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I would like to formally register a complaint about two liter bottles. You can’t fill an even number of glasses with them no matter how hard you try. There’s always the one swallow left over. This is an injustice that I am fed up with.
As if having leftover soda isn’t enough, the two liter bottle has the audacity to remain on the metric system. If I wanted to count by tens or hundreds or thousands, I’d go work as Bill Gates’ accountant. As far as soda measuring goes, the metric system is about as useful as DOS.
I say this only because American glasses are not made with the metric system in mind. Our quarts and gallons may not be easily divisible, but they sure do provide for the perfect amount of beverage. The incompatibility forces the American soda drinker to make a choice. Either drink more soda now, or combine the leftovers with another soda later.
The latter choice is something I refer to as the Chuckie Cheese option. People who opt for mixing sodas are the kind of people who went up and down the fountain drink stand as kids, making sure to get every possible soda into their cup. The result was something light brown and sugary that usually tasted like caramel.
I am among the proud members of the Chuckie Cheese option club. The other day I took the last remaining drops of Cola and combined them with some Root Beer. It wasn’t a perfect mix like in the old days, but it kept my taste buds happy. As I was drinking it, a thought occurred to me. Thoughts don’t just come everyday, especially the kind of thought that has the power to change the world as we know it.
I’m talking, of course, about the world’s most powerful drug. Coke, you may have heard, used to contain cocaine. Root Beer is every five year old’s favorite beer substitute, and even if it’s not really made from beer, it could be, which is all I need for this venture. Both beverages contain caffeine, the most powerful stimulant that’s actually legal regardless of how much you drink.
I think you can see where I’m going with this. Take some old-school Coke, mix in some beer, and throw in some caffeine for good measure. What you have when you’re done is the best-selling beverage of all time.
This drug won’t make everyone happy. The drug trade won’t like losing its business to a soft drink. Regular beer and soda makers won’t be able to compete with our souped-up thirst quencher, but hey, innovation is what makes this country great. Maybe those people in the never ending, “War on Drugs,” won’t be big fans either. All I can say to them is, well at least now you have only one addicting substance to worry about instead of three.
Crack junkies, alcoholics, and caffeine heads will all discover the extra boost of Beer Cola. We’ll combine all the sugary goodness of the Cola industry with all of the sexed up turbo charged marketing of the beer industry to create a mega product the world has never seen.
Beer Cola won’t be watered down by different flavors or low calorie diet fads. Why mess with a formula that guarantees success? Besides, people will be so wired after drinking a can that they’ll burn off all of the bad effects in no time. What kind of energy boost can you get that’s better than mixing caffeine and cocaine?
Beer Cola will not only be the preeminent energy booster, but the best morning pick-me-up on the market as well. You mean to tell me those pansies over at Starbucks have something that can start your day off like Beer Cola? I don’t think so.
The demand for Beer Cola will become so great that cities across the world will start putting it on tap. Supermarkets will barely be able to keep the shelves stocked as happy customers buy case after case. Of course, Beer Cola will only be sold to anyone over the age of eighteen. Our youngsters aren’t the targets for this product (wink wink); in fact, any exposure they receive to the world of Beer Cola is purely coincidental.
The Beer Cola Inc. will soon surpass Google and Wal-Mart as the country’s biggest corporate giant taking along with it the love-hate relationship with the public that comes with the territory. Beer Cola Inc. will claim responsibility for ridding our streets of drug traffic and the subsequent drop in crime. The average consumer will save a ton of money by not drinking four lattes or three Mountain Dews. Beer Cola’s energy for the whole day in one serving will do wonders for pocketbooks and productivity.
Some people will want to ration Beer Cola, claiming the nature of its power makes it a prime target for abuse. Maybe they would rather go back to the old days of sucking down drink after drink or those unsightly needle marks. Most people will see the wisdom in Beer Cola and drink whatever amount they feel they need to be satisfied.
Like all soft drinks, the formula for Beer Cola will be a secret kept locked away for the good of the public and the monopoly. The volatile mix of ingredients is not something you can toy around with. Imitations will come and go, but there will be no substitute that can provide the same great tasting mix of cocaine, beer, and caffeine like Beer Cola.
Soon, history will look back upon this day and remark how simple the idea really was. People will marvel at how it took us this long to figure this out. It will come to be known that we owe it to an oversized mouse serving pizza. Statues of Chuckie Cheese will pop up all over as a tribute to the inspiration for Beer Cola.
Nathan Steevens has a dangerous combination of talents including writing skills, sarcasam, and too much free time. For more stuff visit natesfjd.iuplog.com/ |
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